I know i should be studying for CAS which happens to be the last paper tomorrow. Throughout the study week, i only read through part of it once with no proper understanding nor even trying to remember the neverending theories of the different topics. Its 8.45pm and i have less than 5 hours to study everything. I told my mom that i might not even wanna turn up for that damn paper because im really drained and jaded from all those mugging for the past 2 weeks. Its really taking its toll on me and it became so unbearable i feel like just shutting up my mind and sit on the couch, stare at the rectangular box with flashy images, do nothing and think of nothing.
It became a well known fact that CAS is all about theory and memorising and memorising and memorising and more memorising. But im so mentally tired that i dont have the strength to even read through my notes. Talk about memorising them. No matter how hard i try to put all those theories up my brain and store it there, it seems like i'll never be able to do so in like what, 3 hours? Damn. Its gonna be 9pm! And im still sitting here in front of another rectangular box whining and procrastinating? Damn u Amber, get a hold of yourself and be strong before you sweep the DHL cert goodbye. Farking shit, im totally stressed out.
The one thing i would like to do now is scream and shout and swear on top of my voice and get rid of all the stress accumulated and rooted up on my mind. I wanna blast punk rock music in my winamp and bang my head on the wall according to the beat. I wanna cut myself up and see blood flowing through my veins, that's if i manage to not faint due to excessive blood loss.
No idea why, but there's this sudden urge to physically torture myself since ive already successfully mentally tortured my soul. I know this sounds crazy, and no, im no sadist. But i think im a little too crazy to think straight now because everything is driving me crazy. Every single thing.
Oh great, mood swing is back again. I was talking to Kelvin on the phone in the evening, with a very cheerful voice, singing and laughing and giggling and i dont know what else but after a while, my voice started to change. I started feeling moody and crappy and emotionally disturbed. I sounded boring, my voice was soft and i was not focused on what he's saying and so we hung up. I hate mood swings.
And i dont know just exactly what im trying to conclude from this very very random thought. The more i whine and procrastinate now, i know just what's gonna happen later after midnight. I'll start to go crazy, acting like a spoilt bitch and grumble like a grouchy old maid to my boy who wouldnt know what to do but ask me to go to sleep. That's exactly what i know is gonna happen and why aint i doing anything to stop it from happening? Damn you Amber, WAKE UP!
I feel like shutting myself in a box, fasten and secure it with tons and tons of masking tape and say goodbye world, may i not see you again.
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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